CONFIDENCE

Self-confidence. I think I used to have a lot of it. I mean I still have them but it’s not as much as before.

I spent the last few months- years battling with insecurities. Insecurities like why does my voice sounds so deep when recorded? why my eyelids are one double one single? why is my shoulders so broad? why is my arms so big? why I can’t lose weight as fast as others even though I pushed myself so hard till sometimes I collapse on the ground? why do I have inherited double chin? why is my torso longer than my legs? why is my legs so hairy? why is my nose so flat? The list can go on and on. I sink into sadness, drown myself in jealousy, then I started binge eating, when I’m sad, depressed, upset, disappointed, stressed out, angry, happy. I binge eat so much till I was uk 12. I have a rather big but curvaceous body, with boobs and (half past 6) butt (still working on the squats) and quite-tone but big thighs (my quads are so muscular, I’m still working on my inner thighs). I actually love my body despite the fats.

I am blessed that I don’t have to wake up 1-2 hours earlier to put on make up. I am blessed to have dimples though I have double chin. I am blessed to be standing at 1.62m despite I have shorter legs (than most friends). I am blessed to breathe normally despite having a flat nose. I am blessed to be talking normally despite my voice is so deep. I am blessed to have my limbs despite my arms are so flabby. It’s a blessing to live normally with a little flaws. I am blessed that I still have friends who sees my beauty inside than outside. I get rid of people who only sees beauty on the outside than inside. Because they simply don’t deserve to be love by me when their minds are so shallow.

Words can hurt only when you let them.

I take people’s words as an advice (or I simply just see/hear then throw it away).

I encountered someone saying that I am fat and why do I have a bf. And I went on to say, my bf sees the good in me, my personality/ character is worth the keep, and I am beautiful in his eyes. And then that anon said “your bf is blind”.

Come on. I think you are the blind one. HE CLEARLY CAN SEE PROPERLY, and you can’t. I told myself not to give you the attention but you not only said mean things to me, now you said my bf was blind. Your words are just blinded with jealousy. Jealous of me, clearly. If not, why would you spend your time reading my blog posts? 

Everyone is beautiful in their own way.

I totally agree with this. The unwritten part was: “But not everyone sees it.” So I wouldn’t blame you for not seeing my beautiful side because you simply don’t deserve to see it, or that you are too blind to even see it.

Judging a person doesn’t define who they are. It defines who you are.

That issue aside. I wanted to talk about dealing with insecurities. Your dreams should be bigger than your fears, and your confidence should be bigger than your insecurities. Easier said than done right? I know it’s not easy to overcome it. 

1. Learn to listen but not take it all to heart. In life, there are always two type of people. The coca cola vs pepsi, the sprite vs 7-up, the mountain dew vs kickapoo and the kfc vs mcdonalds, you get what I mean. There are friends who judges you badly and there are friends who never judges. Words are all over the place, one day person A could say “hey you look beautiful.” but person B could say “eew you look so shitty.” There are always positive and negative people and what you need to do is to f**king get rid of the negative people. I am blessed with friends who are nice and honest people, and also the mouth is damn smelly ones. So as time goes by I live to learn to hear things from the right people and just delete those things from the wrong people.

2. Always ask honest opinions from the most honest person you know. So you will know if you are really as bad as you think you are. I always thought that I was like uk14 until cotton on told me I’m uk12. (haha cotton on is the honest person, no lah I mean clothes tells me what size am I more than mirrors) I would take honest opinions from my mum because she doesn’t hide anything from me so I came to admit the fact that I did gain weight from all the unhealthy binge eating.

3. Quit whining and do something. For me, I’m the type of person who sets my heart on something, and I focus till I get there. (food is my ultimate weakness, I realized) So I am trying to work on it, because no matter how hard I push myself to workout, or how tedious the work out is, I can’t lose as fast as people who eats clean. Because 70% DIET, 30% EXERCISE. So to make my workout (not go down the drain) I decided to eat clean. On weekdays I have almost 3 days of home cook food, and then I reward myself with like western (chicken/fish with salad and pasta) on wednesday / fridays. And cheat days on Saturday.

My goals is pretty realistic. I don’t need to be darn skinny don’t need thigh gaps don’t need v shape face, I just want to be fitter. Near flat tummy would be suffice (don’t really need those abs). Biceps/ fitter arms. Stronger thighs. Perkier butt. That’s all.

When you have a nicer body, naturally your self confidence flows in. (well that’s what I think) When you have self-confidence, everything becomes better.

Oh and when you are on that road to building self-confidence (or losing weight that’s for my case) REMEMBER to surround yourself with people who gives you ALL THE MORAL SUPPORT YOU NEED and tell yourself you can do it so you can jolly well stuff their smelly mouth with your just-gym/run-finish-sweaty-socks and tell them “I F**KING DID IT. SO NOW SHUT THE F**K UP.”

Remember this: Learn to love yourself before loving others. Because if you don’t love yourself, who will? 

Here’s @jemmawei‘s beautifully written post. Take some time to read it.

XX

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